It’s Valentine’s Day today and the only person who has wished me a V-Day so far is my grandmother. So I guess you know what my plans are tonight.
Okay, that kind of made it sounded like I was gonna try to get at my grandma. No! I meant that I don’t have plans. My grandma is just a sweet old woman being sweet.
I’m single, okay! I admit it!
But even though I’ll admit it here, I am definitely not going to announce it on social media. And I know you won’t either.
But what we can do is pretend we do have a significant other by taking pictures that make it look like we have a significant other.
“But how do I do that?” You ask.
“My best bud isn’t willing to put on a wig,” you say.
First, you don’t need anyone else. You can do it all on your own and achieve amazing results.
Second, in doing this, you can say a big f*** you to Valentines day and all it’s horribleness.
Thirdly, if anyone has any single friends shoot me an email.
Anyway. Here’s a a little photo tutorial courtesy also-single-person Rain Yokohama:
Whole new meaning of foot fetish.
Unlike Jerry, this guy loves Man Hands.
I would never date someone who leaves the fork in their grip whilst wiping the shmutz off my face.
If your partner is going to be fake anyway, why make them one of those I-draw-on-sleeping-people’s-faces jerks? (I’m looking at you, high school football team.)
Tender like chicken.
This kid has so many skills; I can never manage to keep my eyes closed.
Also, side note, isn’t weird how when you are a kid you would get a Valentine from everyone and yet, you would still find significance in the Valentine you got from your crush even though it was the same as everybody else’s? God, we still do that nonsense as adults. Like when someone we are into texts us about something that has nothing to do with love. We put significance where there isn’t any. Is this similar? I think. Probably. It’s a discussion for another time. Kids are so dumb.
I just keep writing because the sooner I finish this, the sooner I have to go back to the reality of my single hood.
We are gonna be okay, everybody.
Thank you Rain Yokohama for the epic pictures and giving us some joy on this dark day.
Captions by Breindel
Cover Photo by Kelly Sikkema